Monday 26 September 2011

Never Leave The House.

So I went into town on Saturday, and after roughly 4 years of searching I managed to find a parking space only to realise that I didn't have any change.
 
Dammit I thought, I looked to see if the sweets stall that only sells sweets because people need to change a fiver was there but no it was shut.
 
Ok ok what would Jack Bauer do I thought, and after discounting the idea of interrogating the bloke selling conservatories until he confesses to planning to blow up Argos I realised my only chance is to quickly buy something from toys r us (the nearest shop) and leg it back to the car before I get a ticket.
 
I ran inside the shop, god it was busy AND NOISY, why do they let children into these places?? I frantically looked for the cheapest item I could find (unfortunately the Xbox Connect wasn't it, not that I know what one is anyway it sounds like a park and ride bus at Luton Airport) and hurriedly made my way to the nearest and only open checkout. Only to find the most spoilt child in the world (looking a lot like Veruca Salt from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory "I will sqweem and squeem") has managed to persuade her long suffering parents to buy the entire stock of Bratz dolls, wigs, shoes and most of aisle F.
 
I eventually put my single solitary item on the conveyor belt and shuffled to the front of the queue.
The shop assistant (her name I believe was Abi...) looked at my item, then looked at me, then started to smile, then looked at me again, not in a 'he's nice' way though, it was more of a 'who let him out, it must have been a mistake, he is just a tad on the wrong side of weird' sort of look.
 
"Is that all you are buying sir" she said looking at me, I could tell she was about to laugh
 
"err yep it is" I said looking at what I was going to buy; ONE GIANT GOLD CHOCOLATE COIN
 
"yeah sorry I need change for the car park"
 
then I realised how it looked and the penny (or giant coin) dropped.
 
"not that it will fit in the machine I know!"
 
she started laughing and I turned bright beetroot red and quickly left after paying, imagining that she was thinking I would put my giant gold coin into a blue cartoon parking meter and drive off in my big cartoon clown car, hooting away, with Roger Rabbit in the passenger seat, whilst the loony tunes theme plays in the background.
 
As porky pig would say; Thats all folks.

Tuesday 6 September 2011

http://readingroom.podbean.com/

This month the Reading Room Book Group take an outing to the cinema to watch the film adaptation of One Day by David Nicholls, starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess. Will Hollywood ruin one of our favourite books - or bring a whole new audience to it? We’ll also be talking to actress and writer Abigail Tarttelin about her first novel Flick, Claire Kinton returns with the first chapter of her book Dead Game, we find out how thebookpond.com helps students swap academic books, and our tea break story comes from Jim Gotts. All this plus more 101 Books To Read Before You Die, poetry from Paul Eteng and Jamie McKay brings us Musings of a Muddled Mind.

Monday 5 September 2011

Signs You May Have Been Watching Too Much T.V

Each day as soon as you wake up you announce 'previously on my life' then proceed to re-enact brief snippets of the day before.
You leave the house with a slice of toast in your mouth as 'Walking On Sunshine' or the theme from Friends plays in the background.
At work you get called in to see the boss, call him Captain, accuse him of eating doughnuts whilst you are on the streets and he calls you a maverick and to get out of his office - even though you work in the Admin Dept of the Tax Office, your bosses name is Derek and he likes morris dancing.
Before going for lunch you tell the story of your incredibly tough upbringing, being raised by 3-legged blind rabbits in an allotment shed in Milton Keynes whilst Fix You by Coldplay mysteriously appears getting louder as you speak.
You come back from lunch punching the air singing  Take That's 'Today this could be the greatest day of our life'.
After a Staff Meeting you tell the rest of the room to 'press the red button now for an exclusive behind the scenes look at your life'.
Rubbish comedians a la Shane Ritchie and Bobby Davro seem to start work in your building. Yes that is Joe Pasquale that started on the reception desk today.
Whenever someone says something slightly rude or strange, you find yourself turning to an imaginary camera and make a bemused face.
Before going on your annual holiday you announce to everyone that you will be back in the Autumn but people can follow your life in a series of expensive audio books available from all good retailers in the meantime.

You don't have Christmas Day but a Christmas Special, that isn't as good as a normal day, lasts twice as long and has a surprise appearance by John Barrowman singing 'Let It Snow' to your Nan.